omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
