I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
