o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
