Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
