Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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