I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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