Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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