id be glad to
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
