Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
These tits shall not be calmed
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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