someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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