I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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