I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
