In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
