if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
