Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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