I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
