I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Randomize
