I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
