he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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