btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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