I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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