I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
