He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Randomize
