a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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