why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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