i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
