Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize