Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
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