hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
We left an ass print on the piano.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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