A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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