For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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