she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
