I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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