I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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