I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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