Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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