soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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