So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
