You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
