I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
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