I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
