The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
