i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
