He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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