I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Randomize
