I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i came on her dog
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
