The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
