I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
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