Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
