Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize