Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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