i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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