My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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