dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
