im drinking this country out of the recession.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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