I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
a search helicopter?!
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Randomize
