We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Randomize
