some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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